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 Post subject: Amazing Amazon Reviews
PostPosted: March 25th, 2009, 9:27 am 

Joined: August 29th, 2008, 10:01 pm
Posts: 751
Location: Orlando, FL
This one's for you Kelly... ... dp_product

I'm not usually one to give in to the hype. But everyone keeps talking about this "tuscan milk" and how it's the new macarena. It's texas holdem, low carbs, and reality TV all rolled into one. But this is one fad that is sure to last.

I bought my first gallon, and not being one for moderation, I ended up drinking the whole gallon one morning. I was just going to drink a glass before work, then be on my way. One glass turned into two. Two turned into a bigger glass. Next thing I know I was sprawled out on my living room floor next to the empty gallon.

I stumbled up and made my way out the door, only to arrive at work and meet an angry boss. He said he was letting me go, and I was "no longer a part of the vision". I was angry. And very much dissapointed. I loaded my things into my car and drove away.

On the way home, my car started sputtering. All the lights came on, and my engine fell out while going down the freeway. I pulled to the side of the road, and started walking. I certainly wasn't going to call a tow truck, I can't afford it now.

I then got the bright idea to call my girlfriend. Upon answering, I could hear a man's voice in the background. She was out of breath, and certainly had just come back from a long jog. I asked if she would come and pick me up, and she said she was "indisposed at the moment". I then became more angry, and asked her why not. She promptly dumped me.

With my belly still full of Tuscan Milk, I plodded on towards my home. I started pondering why she was leaving me, and entertained the thought that it must have something to do with that man in the background. Who was he? Why was he there? Then it dawned on me. The truth, as I had then thought, had arrived.

It's that damn tuscan milk! I foolishly blamed the milk for my problems. I lost my job, my car broke, and my girlfriend left me. All in one morning! I thought the milk was the cause.

Hours later, I arrived at my home. "Nice" I thought, as I spotted the 30 day notice. The thought of now getting kicked out my house kind of made me smile. At this point, nothing could get worse, right? It's not like a gang of ninjas is going to come in and kill my family or something.

If you didn't catch the sarcasm in that last paragraph, a gang of ninjas did indeed come in and kill my family. Got em all. But still, I dont blame the milk now.

You might ask, "why Jeremy? why are you so jovial?". The answer to that, my friends, is because I'm days away from becoming a millionaire. This whole situation will be erased. With my millions, everything will change.

Fired from my job? Now I don't need one.
Car broke down? I'll buy a lexus instead.
Kicked out my house? To heck with renting, I'll buy a new one.
Family dead? I'll buy a new one.
Girlfriend left? You get the picture.

All my problems are solved!

A few days ago I recieved an email from the prince of Nigeria. I appears their government is collapsing. And they need to move 100 million dollars out of there, STAT. So they researched, searching the world for a top secret, financial mercernary to give the money to, and found me. They must have heard about my skills. So they contacted me. I get, as a commission, ten percent of the take. If you think about it, that's a pretty good deal for someone who is saving your country.

I've given them the neccessary banking information to the proper agents, and everything should be transferring soon. I will hang out in the park, where I now live, and wait for that phone call. Once I recieve the phone call, the money went through, and you are looking at a ten millionaire. I think I'll go purchase some new duds, and maybe head down to vegas and bet ten thousand a hand. I'll fly to miami and dig my toes in the sand, or jet off to Hawaii for some fun in the sun.

I'm here at the library surfing amazon, and wanted to order some milk. For some reason my ATM wouldn't go through, kept saying insufficient funds, even though there is money in there. Must be some mistake. I'm off to the bank to ask them what's up, but first I thought I'd tell you all about the milk that saved my life.

I'm not usually so forthright about this but since it is relevant to my review it is necessary that I share. I have narcolepsy. This morning I poured a big glass of Tuscan Whole Milk, 1 Gallon, 128 fl oz and sat down for breakfast. I was having French toast (no, I have not yet poured this stuff over dry cereal like J. Fitzsimmons advises, but that is on my to-do list). Needless to say I had a narcoleptic episode at the breakfast table. While I was asleep I dreamed that I had a near-death experience. I do not remember what exactly caused me to almost die in my dream (that part is a little foggy), but the near-death experience was unlike any that I have experienced before.

It started out normally; my spirit rose from my body and began to move toward the white light. But then it took a strange turn. God appeared surrounded by angels in full majesty. What happened to Saint Peter and the gates? I do not know. God triumphantly dismissed the angels and gestured for me to come near. He let his undulating robe slide off of his right shoulder. My eyes closed and my lips were drawn to his percolating teet. I was too busy euphorically gulping the divine milk to ask myself how a man was lactating. In retrospect, I guess, God can do anything. The milk started to run down my chin. I drank from the supernal breast effortlessly. I did not have to suck; the milk flowed in its white glory as if from a garden hose. The milk ran down my neck and moistened my shirt. I looked up at God and said, "It feels so good going down my throat." He nonchalantly responded with a "That's what she said." That caused me chortle. I gained my composure and returned to the teet. The last thing that I remember is that my socks were wet. There were pools of milk on the floor.

When I awoke my glass of Tuscan milk was empty, as was the jug. The floor, the French toast and I were all covered in milk. Does this mean that Tuscan Whole Milk, 1 Gallon, 128 fl oz is produced by God himself? Was my dream a sign? Does it matter? No, not really. Just enjoy the milk.

Few of many...

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 Post subject: Re: Amazing Amazon Reviews
PostPosted: March 25th, 2009, 10:04 am 
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Joined: May 29th, 2007, 9:47 pm
Posts: 2421
Location: Seattle, WA
That one's pretty good! =)

Here are a bunch, enjoy!

Playmobil Security Checkpoint
Nipple Extractor
Nuclear Grade Duct Tape
Uranium Ore
Million Random Digits
The Secret Saved My Life
Ping the Duck
Darth Vader Mask Video Review
The Worst Book Ever Written--The Shadow God, by Aaron Rayburn
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